It’s Halloween. To be more accurate its early in the morning the day after. I’ve had a long night, one that never seemed to end, felt like a slow knife going into my skin in the moments anyone asked how it’s been going. Afterwards all I can think about is a girl I work with and how I wish the night had gone on longer. It would be wonderful to look at her face for another 10 minutes or so. She terrifies me. The idea of her and I together is extremely daunting. This is a person that I’ve known for some time and thought the absolute world of, however never considered the two of us being anything more than friends, if anything me more than just an admirer of her raw personality and grace. I respect her with the feeling that she is above myself and other people around us in this space we share. Not in a self loathing way, but more so knowing that she is just too good of a person for me. We’ve both recently had a moment of realization about each other, maybe something more than friends can come of this. I’m really not sure how she thinks about these things. I have an inkling of what I like and what I know I’m doing subconsciously with people, as of late its harder and harder to tell if I’m being performative or truly attracted to a person. A few challenging relationships and my current job could do that to ya I reckon. This first post is partially fueled by my anxiousness and bottled up feelings I’ve had about this situation. There’s no one to talk to about her, I don’t want to share her private decisions nor mine with anyone else no matter who they are. It certainly feels good to put this into words in some medium. Hey while I’m at it, I made this blog you’re reading almost one month ago and promised myself I’d write something every couple of days, just like I promised my friend a year ago I’d start writing short stories to send to him, all in the pursuit of writing a novel. I do suck in that way, I like a lot of things about myself and am proud to occupy this brain and body, yet these things indicate that I lack drive and mostly am afraid of confronting the idea of putting myself out there/asking myself who am I. The last relationship I was in helped me realize that only due to the fact that she was so confident in who she was and what she wanted. She was honest and tried. That is an endangered species of human. I believe that is due to her being an artist, something that simply takes you down that path of who am I and why am I. Looking inward so many times not being afraid or nervous of what is there is extremely difficult. Something I like to try and do is find something, literally anything even mundane as the shape of a stick in the woods, ask yourself if you like that, and then think about why. Don’t force an answer, just relax your mind, no one is going to judge you, find out what is interesting to you. Live your life like this. It’ll take you farther than you would imagine. My friend from work is putting me through this challenge. My feet are on the edge of the abyss, such an important person changing their relationship status with me is devastating almost. The most interesting thing about this, is that I think she might feel anxious or nervous about me as well, that’s what I’ve been getting from our interactions. This is like Zeus flinching at me pumping my arm at him. How can it be? Why were we not having this situation initially? I mean the literal reason is we both were in relationships and only knew each other as friends that work together. I think putting myself out there is the best option, trying to open this conversation up even further. I don’t know anything, my body is frozen from indecision. I should sleep now, there’s a lot to navigate and I need some rest if I’m going to do so.